I’ve struggled with mental illness for my entire life, and that’s not even hyperbole. Literally since the day I was born.
I’m going to share personal details from my childhood and adult life. I normally wouldn’t do this, but for this piece I feel like I have to - because I want to give other people that are struggling with mental illness hope.
I’ll list some of my early development struggles & current challenges throughout this piece.
I did not develop like a normal child would.
I did not learn how to walk until I was four years old
I did not learn how to talk until I was five years old
However, when I did learn to talk, I made up a language that only I could understand
My guess is because I was so desperate to communicate, that I had to make up a language. Even though I was never formally diagnosed, my personal opinion is that I have autism. My symptoms as a child and even today as an adult matches most of the signs of Autism pictured here.
Throughout grade school and high school, I was in special education (which the politically correct crowd have since re-labeled alternative education). As a child, I definitely had “unique or abnormal speech” - I made up my own language at five years old. Before that, my teachers were teaching me sign language. I still remember a few hand signs, but I’m not fluent in sign language. To this day, I have abnormal behaviors in social situations. I have some stories, but I won’t tell them here because I find them to be too embarrassing. There are times where I lack empathy or I say something that is insensitive and I struggle to understand why my comment was “insensitive”
When I was a child I had repetitive and abnormal movements. When I got excited about something I would jump up and down and play with my genitals for no reason. I prefer predictable routines and I have a hard time sleeping. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Those are the major reasons why I think that I have Autism and that I’m on the Autism Spectrum.
Let’s go back to the day I was born. According to my mother, the doctor that was delivering me used forceps to grab my head and get me out because my mother was passing out and losing consciousness.
To this day, I have a tiny hole that I can feel right off the top of my head. So my guess is, this is most of the reason why I had physical and mental disabilities. When it came to me not being able to speak, initially the doctors thought that I was deaf and couldn’t hear. They ran multiple tests and it turned out my hearing was fine. They never really gave my mother a reason why I couldn’t speak. Today, I’m fluent in English and Spanish and I’m able to walk and move around normally.
As an adult, I’ve struggled with extreme mood swings - from anger to sadness right to the point where it was becoming a problem for my personal and professional life. What got me to finally get help for my problems? Well, simple! One day, I got angry and punched the hell out of my window over and over again. That’s when I realized that I need help and I need it ASAP. So I went to Catholic Charities - a local organization that helps people with their mental health issues - and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The medication that I’ve been prescribed has been hit-and-miss. I tend to drink alcohol when I’m stressed though because the doctor won’t prescribe anti-anxiety medication (because my bipolar medication should work for that, but it doesn’t), but otherwise my mood has been much more consistent.
Part of me can’t stop thinking about he possibility that what I’m living right now is a fantasy of my damaged mind. What do I mean by that? Simply, that at this moment I’m actually, sitting on a wheelchair on my family’s property in Puerto Rico not being able to speak and walk properly. The life that I’m currently living is a fantasy of my damaged mind. I know I shouldn’t think about that, but still I do once in a while and it scares me to go to sleep because I’m afraid that I will wake up in that wheelchair not being able to communicate with anyone. God just take me now if that’s the case. I know that is an irrational fear but still that fear is in my mind. However, part of me is very stubborn and I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to sit in a wheelchair not being able to communicate with all of my friends that I made online. Or be able to walk around and live my life. I want to thank everyone in INN for all of the support…I love all of you and I thank God everyday that you are all a part of my life.
Why did I want to write this? Simple, I want parents of children with mental health issues or mental handicaps to know that your child doesn’t have to be stuck with these problems with their entire lives. With assistance from professionals and with your support, parents, your child can possibly live a totally normal life. Just like I did. I don’t know if my story is able to inspire anyone but I just want people to know that just because a person is mentally handicapped doesn’t mean that they aren’t a human being. They are just like anyone else. They just need a little bit more assistance to live a normal life.